I Forgive Me

I forgive me, that sounds great, but is it true? I went on a walk today to clear my head because it was a very busy and exhausting week. Several things kept coming up from my past. I asked the Holy Spirit to reveal why I was struggling. He did just that! God let me know I was still holding on to the past and I was struggling with forgiving myself. For me there are not many things I regret doing, but this one was the worst in my book. I fell in love and was involved with a married man! How did that happen you may wonder, good question because I didn’t understand it myself. I am a child of God, this should never happen! I was a hypocrite! This wasn’t the first time a married man approached me since my divorce in 2014, but why didn’t I walk away from this one? Simply put, I was broken, I compromised, was in my flesh, and I was a fixer! But GOD! We met in a group setting and one day began talking about our life experiences and our growing walk with God. His relationship and conversations with God was like none I had ever seen. He let me know he had been separated for several years, BUT NOT DIVORCED. It was no problem for me to later give him my number because I wasn’t interested in him like that. I was single and enjoying life. We continued talking on the phone and the conversations were amazing. Believe it or not, 90% was about God. One day, I realized I was falling for this guy and called to say, I can’t talk to you because you are still married. About a month passed and God said it’s ok to TALK to him. I took that statement and ran with it. I believe that he would be divorced soon and it would be fine….ummm NO. God was downloading ideas about a wedding, how he would propose, and other things about the future. (I later realized those were God ‘s plans but we have free will and sometimes forfeit those plans) You may think, that wasn’t God! Sometimes our desires cause us to misunderstand what God is saying to us. My brokenness and desire to fix his situation overshadowed my morals and satan distorted God’s words to me. The relationship lasted for about a year. At one point I allowed him and his child to move into my guest room until they got things situated. The fact that we never had sex saved my life because spirits were not allowed to attach themselves to me. I never stopped seeking God in all of this and He never left my side. I began to ask God why I couldn’t leave him alone. God revealed to me that he had become my god because of his connection with the Holy Spirit. That broke my heart! I gave this man that much power, WOW. I REPENTED and began to pray for strength, courage, wisdom, and for God to remove the scales from my eyes. God began to show me areas where I was broken, build my self- worth, and show me how He saw me. God also reminded me that I did not guard my daughter’s heart or my own. God gave me the strength to completely walk away! Romans 8:28 says and we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him who have been called according to his purpose. I couldn’t understand how any of this would work for my good. God pointed out several ways. He kept me through it all! It began my healing process, that generational curse was broken, my relationship with God became so much more intimate and I knew God as my friend and LORD. His child got to experience a mother figure, my child got to experience many laughs, conversations, and is able to see how we can make mistakes and God forgives us. I explained to her why things should not have happened and asked her to forgive me and she did. Why am I writing this? I have allowed this situation to hinder me long enough. I have thoughts like; I am a terrible person, people will hate me, and other condemning thoughts that were not of God. I allowed satan to keep me bound by condemning myself when God had already forgiven me. This ends TODAY! I will no longer live in bondage, fear, or regret because my savior died for my sins and got up with all power, especially over satan and his lies. Am I saying what I did is ok? Heck NO, but you can repent, turn, and be forgiven by the grace of God. Don’t allow your past mistakes to define you and hinder you from evolving. I had to remind myself that only God is perfect. I pray my testimony will free someone else and allow them to start healing. God is amazing and can take you from where you are and mold you into the awesome creation you were designed to be if you simple invite Him in! I choose today to forgive myself! I embrace the new healed, renewed, forgiven, free, and evolving Catrina. God alone gets the glory!